July 31, 2016

Puns

Hilarious Dad puns…

I’ve always admired fishermen. Now those are reel men.

I saw a parachute on craigslist that the seller assured me was in mint condition. He said it was used once, but never opened.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y.

After many years, a prisoner is finally released.
He runs around yelling, “I’m free! I’m free!”
A little kid walks up to him and says, “So what? I’m 4.”

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An Investigator

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will Let it go.

Where does the General keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

The don’t meet the koalafications.

A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled………………………………………cheese.” The waiter says “Whats with the pause?”

The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.”

What do you call bears with no ears?

B

Why don’t blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

I saw a wino eating grapes.

I told him, you gotta wait.

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

What does a pepper do when it’s angry?

It gets jalapeño face!

What did the momma tatanka say to her baby tatanka when he was off to college?

….Bison.

Did you hear about the orange boxer?

He got beaten to a pulp.

How do you know the sex of an Ant?

Put it in a glass of water…if it sinks, it’s female…if it floats, it’s buoyant.

What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeno business!

What do you call a fake noodle?

An Impasta

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

Every morning you’ll rise and shine!

What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?

You can’t tuna fish.

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?

A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

 

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